The angels are dancing with you, sweet one.

Today.

September 30, 2016.

My baby's 1st birthday.  in heaven.  

If you didn't know this about me, I had a miscarriage between my two boys.  Read about it here.

And today, today...my little angel would have been one year old.  

I would have rocked him to sleep tonight, sang him "You are my sunshine", and given him the biggest kiss.  I would have woken up at midnight to nurse him just so I could whisper "Happy Birthday, my sweet miracle" in his ear like I did with Winslow.   We would have celebrated with balloons and birthday cake and donuts. 

Instead, my little angel is celebrating in heaven with the almighty creator.  How awesome is that.   

Grief is such a confusing thing.  Sometimes I go weeks without thinking of my loss.  But then other days, I think about my baby all day long. Who would he/she look like? Would he/she be walking?  Would Winslow have a built in best friend?  This week leading up to the big first birthday has been strange.   Strange in that I feel like I should celebrate where I am now.  I have Winslow, my rambunctious 3 year old, and Hogan, my cuddly 7 month old.  But it still doesn't make it easier.   I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Hogan, but I still wonder if this little angel was a girl or a boy.  Would I have a curly headed girl running around?  Would I have a brown headed boy? 

Regardless, I am celebrating the little life that lived inside me for almost 9 weeks.  I am celebrating the miracle and celebrating the hard but good year we've had.  A friend, Casey, explained how I feel so wonderfully:


"When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together... you're different. 


You can love differently. Better. Because you know it's fragile. 
Life. It's a gift.  A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored."

 Because of this, I love my boys so different than before.  So although I long to be with my baby in heaven, I am thankful for constant reminder that life is so precious.  Today will always be your heavenly birthday and we will celebrate your life, even if it was short. I will always cherish the only sonogram photo I have of you and I promise to hold your brothers extra close.

Happy Birthday, my love.  Heaven is holding you tight until I get there. <3 br="">