The angels are dancing with you, sweet one.

Today.

September 30, 2016.

My baby's 1st birthday.  in heaven.  

If you didn't know this about me, I had a miscarriage between my two boys.  Read about it here.

And today, today...my little angel would have been one year old.  

I would have rocked him to sleep tonight, sang him "You are my sunshine", and given him the biggest kiss.  I would have woken up at midnight to nurse him just so I could whisper "Happy Birthday, my sweet miracle" in his ear like I did with Winslow.   We would have celebrated with balloons and birthday cake and donuts. 

Instead, my little angel is celebrating in heaven with the almighty creator.  How awesome is that.   

Grief is such a confusing thing.  Sometimes I go weeks without thinking of my loss.  But then other days, I think about my baby all day long. Who would he/she look like? Would he/she be walking?  Would Winslow have a built in best friend?  This week leading up to the big first birthday has been strange.   Strange in that I feel like I should celebrate where I am now.  I have Winslow, my rambunctious 3 year old, and Hogan, my cuddly 7 month old.  But it still doesn't make it easier.   I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Hogan, but I still wonder if this little angel was a girl or a boy.  Would I have a curly headed girl running around?  Would I have a brown headed boy? 

Regardless, I am celebrating the little life that lived inside me for almost 9 weeks.  I am celebrating the miracle and celebrating the hard but good year we've had.  A friend, Casey, explained how I feel so wonderfully:


"When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together... you're different. 


You can love differently. Better. Because you know it's fragile. 
Life. It's a gift.  A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored."

 Because of this, I love my boys so different than before.  So although I long to be with my baby in heaven, I am thankful for constant reminder that life is so precious.  Today will always be your heavenly birthday and we will celebrate your life, even if it was short. I will always cherish the only sonogram photo I have of you and I promise to hold your brothers extra close.

Happy Birthday, my love.  Heaven is holding you tight until I get there. <3 br="">

Hogan is SIX months!

HALF A YEAR OLD?

How in the world?

Seriously, it has gone by so fast, I don't know what to do with myself! I need to blog more to keep our memories stored, but Lordy, between both boys not sleeping well..I literally have no time or energy to write.

Hogan Graham is six months.

Weight: 18.5 pounds
Height: 28 inches


Nicknames: Hogan, baby brother, monkey, bunkey


Eating: Nursing every 2.5-3 hours during the day and 2-3 times at night.

Sleeping: Oh gosh. I've just accepted that this little man is not a good sleeper.  He wakes up, on average, four times at night.  Yes, it stinks, and YES i am tired.  He sometimes wakes up 6 and sometimes 3....last night was twice and I thought I had died and gone to heaven because I got 3.5 hours of sleep in a row.  For naps, he has just transitioned to two naps a day.  One around 10-10:30 and one around 2:30-3.  He sleeps at night from 7:45ish-7:45 in the morning. 

Diapers: Doing cloth for the most part, with a few size three disposables here and there. 

Clothing: He wears 6 months but I just pulled out the 9 month clothes.  ahhh!   Social: Such a happy boy.  Smiles all the time, very laid back, loves being held.  He laughs all the time at Winslow and has just started saying "mamamamamama"  YAY! His first word!


Likes: Being worn in my wrap, eating, his giraffe rattle, grabbing his feet, rolling everywhere, sitting up and chewing on EVERYTHING in sight.  He is a DROOL machine.   Dislikes: Still not a fan of riding in the car, hates pacifiers, doesn't like to sit in his highchair for extended periods of time.

What we're looking forward to: NOTHING.  LOL..i mean, doing nothing. August was the busiest month of the year for us, and we are content to just sit at home.  We made a trip to Texas for almost two weeks that I'll blog about next week, and then Seth flew to NC for a long weekend.  Then my mom visited and now we are laying low until mid September when we go to NC for a visit.

  Do you see a similarity?  Are these two brothers?   Here is Winslow at six months:            


 

Hogan is three months old!

Weight: 14 pounds 8 ounces Height: 25 inches
Nicknames: Hogan, baby brother, monkey,
Eating: Nursing every 2.5-3 hours during the day and still twice at night.  Sometimes more at night but I am really hoping he cuts out the funny business soon. ;) 

Sleeping: Bedtime is between 8:15-8:30 now and he can usually sleep until 2-3am.  For about a week he was getting up around 11:30-12:30 and that was no fun.  It's so hard to only sleep an hour and then get woken up but you learn to deal with it.  He also gave me a super long 8 hour night once but that hasn't happened again yet. We can hope it comes again soon though, it felt amazing!  For naps, he always naps in the morning in his wrap while Winslow and I walk the neighborhood.  Well, W rides his tricycle, but Hogan loves sleeping on me :)  For his after lunch nap, he naps in the swing and sometimes it lasts a good 2.5 hours! Then in the evening he will nap in the swing or in my wrap...whichever is easiest. Usually when hubby gets home, we all go outside and play so he will nap in my wrap.     Diapers: He is in a size two disposable diaper at the moment. He's been dealing with a rash I am trying to clear up and I think since we have hard water here in Florida, I am going to have to strip all of my diapers of the minerals and start over with my wash routine.  It's frustrating but I do not want little guy to be red so we are figuring it out before he goes back into cloth.   Clothing: He is wearing 3 month clothes and 3-6 month clothes.

Social:Loving his toys now and is so alert and aware of what's going on!  He will look at Winslow and just smile and W says "He is looking at me!" and then gives him a huge "HELLO BABY BROTHER" It's so cute.  He loves smiling at his mom and dad and has laughed a little bit more this month.  I can't wait to hear that big ol belly laugh..i think it's coming soon.   Likes: Being worn in my wrap, smiling, his kick mat, bath time, nursing, chewing on his hand, cooing.   Dislikes: Having a dirty or wet diaper, riding in the car, being tired, and when big brother is a little too rough with him.

What we're looking forward to: I AM SO EXCITED because my brother, dad, and grandmother are coming to spend the weekend with us! She is about to be 92 and Hogan was named after her late husband.  I can't wait for her to meet him. Also, Winslow adores my brother so I am excited for him to play all day with him.     Happy 3 months little guy, we LOVE you past the moon!  

         

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

So yesterday was a BIG day for us!  We closed on our house! Yay, we are so excited and I've already got my new kitchen cabinets, countertops, and floors picked out! Meeting with a design specialist to order the floors today, ordering the cabinets tomorrow, and then once those are installed, the countertops! Hashtag ONIT.

We are so happy to finally have a space that will be our own, have a yard, and a nice quiet cul de sac to play in!  We are not actually MOVING until October 17th or 18th, so that way we have time to do the renovations that we want to get done.  Well, for the most part.  

Anyway, yesterday was overall a good day but it was also a very strange day for me.  My due date with baby #2 was yesterday.  If you didn't know, I had a miscarriage earlier this year.  I shared my story here and if you want to read it, feel free.  I felt like I needed to share because so many women go through loss and never talk about it, therefore they don't have support.  I wanted to be able to talk openly about my feelings and thoughts so I could seek advice, help, and support from friends who have gone through this.

This whole month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Hopefully it will help you learn a little about how common miscarriage really is, how most of the time, you did nothing to cause it, and how you can cope and move forward after experiencing it.  

So, more than likely, I would still be pregnant today since I was 9 days overdue with Winslow, but now I have an angel looking over us in heaven.  I am thankful that I have another precious growing baby in me right now,( I was also 20 weeks pregnant yesterday!)  and that has definately helped to lessen the sting of the loss, but it still doesn't make me stop wishing for that little baby in heaven.  I would've loved nothing more than to meet him this week, but I know God's plans are greater than mine, and without that loss, I wouldn't have this little baby boy growing in my belly now.  

1 in 4 women have miscarriages, so it's not an uncommon thing.  It's great that we have this month to just bring attention to the fact that many women do experience it, and it's never easy, no matter the circumstance.  It not only affects you physically, but emotionally as well.  

So, I hope you'll just remember that if you've been through this, you're not alone.  You can seek support and help from me or some of your close friends. That is what got me through.  

who are you again?

wait...i'm back?  Am i really writing another blog post after being gone for what seems like 234098 years?

YES!  I have been gone.  but for good reason.

We are expecting!  Oh my gosh, and we are so thrilled.  This has been a prayer of ours for over a year now and after a very sad loss, we are looking forward to welcoming our rainbow baby into our arms come February.  If you'd like to watch this short announcement video, here it is!

So why the absence?

Let's see...pregnancy and I do NOT get along in the first trimester.   I HATE being pregnant from weeks 0-14...

sickness, no sleep, fatigue, food aversions to anything but bread, smell aversions to EVERYTHING, sore muscles, fast heart rate, excessive sweating, sickness....throwing up all day..every day..every night.

 yep, sounds awesome, right?

I am one of the lucky ladies who get the privilege of being dog sick all the time.

and with an almost two year old.....yeah, it's TOUGH.

i have spent a lot of time on the couch and W has spent more time on the ipad :(  But i'm not beating myself up about it because I am doing the best I can and he's fed most days.  ;)

Now for the FAQ:

How far along?  I am 13+2 weeks.  So baby is due Feb 18, 2016.  Him and W will be exactly 2.5 years apart.

Gender guesses?   We are so excited to share that this little babe is another BOY!!! :)  I did a panarama blood test that extracts the fetal DNA from the mother's blood to tell the gender.  It also screens for genetic disorders and such but that's how we found out so early. If you are pregnant and like to look into this test, here is some information.  Most insurance policies do not cover it unless the mother is over 35 years old, but mine did for some reason.

Bump?  oh yeah. it's there and it's growing. I started showing around 12 weeks and that's way earlier than I was with W.  I will post a photo soon.  And sadly, I haven't done any updates like I did with W but I will try to do a monthly update this go round.

Differences vs. similarities in both pregnancies?  With Winslow, I was VERY sick, with my 2nd pregnancy, I was even sicker than my first time, and with this one, I have been sick but not as bad.  I believe it's because I'm on medicine to help with nausea-I've been trying to slowly get off of it by reducing the amount of pills I take per day.  I haven't craved sour candy like I did with Winslow but I have *NEEDED* a taco bell fix once or twice.  Also this pregnancy, I must have a glass of chocolate milk upon waking up or else.  I've had one every single day since I was around 7 weeks.  Sad news for me, I am already not sleeping well.  I am up 12-15 times a night just restless. This didn't happen with Winslow until I was around 30 weeks.


Lots to update and I will be back for good now...no worries. I am feeling better for the most part.  I have been taken prescription nausea meds that are helping a lot and don't plan on getting off those for another two weeks or so.  My smell aversion is still there (hubby had to switch to women's bodywash and deodorant and the DOG makes me gag so much) but hopefully that will subside soon.  I have lots to share about baby #2 and I can't wait to fill you in. God is in the details, y'all.  It's AWESOME and i can't wait to sit down at naptime and share my heart.

My Sleeping Angel

Over the past several months, I have taken a photo of W when I go and check on him for the night.  I never really thought about why I do it, except to come back and show hubby how stinkin' cute he is while he sleeps.  Well i went through a few old photos and found these.  Oh my goodness.  My heart overflows with love for this little boy!  I will share a few for your enjoyment.  Really, what is cuter than a sleeping baby?

Disclaimer (mostly for my mother):  YES i wash his sheets.  But most of the time I put them right back on his crib instead of switching so that's why they all look like I have never taken his sheet off ;)

Living in fear.

So it's been over 2 months since my miscarriage.  Some days it seems like yesterday that it happened, and some days it seems like 2 years ago.  I've been so lucky for the support shown to me through here, facebook, instagram, friends and family but it still doesn't take the sting completely away.

I am trying my hardest to not live in a state of constant fear. I have this ongoing mind game (or I really think I should call it the devil) telling me I'll never get pregnant again.  I'll never be able to experience the miracle of childbirth, or will never waddle around eating pickles and ice cream all day.  I'll never feel those little baby kicks in my stomach or hear the pitter patter of the little heartbeat.  I won't get to nurse a sleepy newborn. 

I know all of those things are more than likely not true, and that 1 in 5 women have miscarriages for various reasons.  But my mind sometimes just won't shut off.  Everything I do have those thoughts, I have to just pray.  Pray that the Lord takes those thoughts from my head and hears the desires of my heart.

I am cherishing every single day with my 20 month old toddler who loves wearing cowboy boots, climbs on the kitchen table daily, and blows kisses to strangers.  He really is the apple of my eye.  Every night before I go to bed, I sneak in his room, take a photo of him sleeping, and pray over him.  One day I plan on sharing some of the photos.  He is such a cute little sleeper (and still sleeps 12 hours at night!)

Mr Jones and I have always said we felt called to adopt 1-2 children into our family, so we will be looking into that in the future too, but I still long to carry another child in my belly.  I know it will happen more than likely, but you can't exactly explain the worry/grief/sadness/uncertainty that goes along with a miscarriage unless you've experienced it yourself, unfortunately.

I am just relying on the Lord to provide me with peace and understanding.  He is still good through this all.  

A dear friend sent me a book in the mail called "I Will Carry You" and it has been absolutely life-changing.  Angie Smith, the author, delivered her daughter and she only lived 2 hours. She has many life threatening issues.   Here is a small excerpt from her book:

"I believe that all babies who pass away are in heaven with the Lord.  I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room staring at her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is.  I am not.  I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void.  I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy.  What kind of Christian does that?

The answer is simple. One who is human.  We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have.  Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees.  And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small.  To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God.  To him Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it.  Daily I must remind myself that He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith  We are vessels of hope, you and I, made in the image of Jesus, breathing in the world as we yearn for him."

I have never heard such words so true.

I am hugging my little boy tighter than ever and thanking God that I have this precious gift of motherhood.  

Though You slay me

Can I just say THANK YOU so very much for every single text, phone call, facebook message, or comment on my blog that I have received from my post earlier.  It means so much to me and I have found great comfort in your stories and words. 

We are doing good.

It still hits me hard some days.  Randomly, it will hit me.  in the car.  at breakfast.  when i see someone pregnant in Target.  when I see a pregnancy announcement.  But you know what?  I'm okay.  I am clinging to the only solid truth I know. God is enough for me.  He is enough to lift me from this. 

I heard a song this week that has been on REPEAT for me.  It's made me sob.  It's made me praise.  It's made me smile.  Have you heard of the song-writers, Shane and Shane?  They are incredible. I saw them in concert a few times while I was in college at Texas A&M and this song just popped up on a friend's facebook wall.    John Piper did a collaboration with them on this song and spoke a little from one of his messages titled "Do Not Lose Heart".  Read these words.

They are so true in my life right now.

[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.


I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.


When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.


Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

EVERY millisecond of my pain is producing a glory.  Man, that's so comforting to know MY story will be glorified.

It doesn't necessarily take away my hurt, but it softens it.  

Please listen to this song.  I hope it speaks to you as it did me.  Even if you aren't going through the same as me, it's such a beautiful redemption song.

If you can't view it well below, click this link.  

Though You slay me 

I am going to share a part of an email that a dear friend wrote to me.  It made me cry, but it also comforted me in a way that I needed so badly.

"  one child will always live in your heart.  you will always see him, or her, at random times in random places.  you will always remember dates and feelings and memories.  You will always wish for them, but you will not always hurt.  you have a baby in Heaven, already with God, and you and Seth will be with that child, and Winslow and any others, for all of eternity.  do not let anyone or anything minimize your pain, your loss, and later, your joy in this child.  do not force yourself to do so either. "

this was so helpful to me.  I felt that my miscarriage was such an "invisible loss" that no one really could sympathize with me about.  No one knew or saw the baby, but it was still such a REAL loss for our family.  and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel like it was less than that.

Again, thank you for the sweet words and prayers. Having little W running around and climbing on the kitchen table also lessens the pain when I look and see that I have the most perfect little boy to call my own.  <3 br="" nbsp="">