The angels are dancing with you, sweet one.

Today.

September 30, 2016.

My baby's 1st birthday.  in heaven.  

If you didn't know this about me, I had a miscarriage between my two boys.  Read about it here.

And today, today...my little angel would have been one year old.  

I would have rocked him to sleep tonight, sang him "You are my sunshine", and given him the biggest kiss.  I would have woken up at midnight to nurse him just so I could whisper "Happy Birthday, my sweet miracle" in his ear like I did with Winslow.   We would have celebrated with balloons and birthday cake and donuts. 

Instead, my little angel is celebrating in heaven with the almighty creator.  How awesome is that.   

Grief is such a confusing thing.  Sometimes I go weeks without thinking of my loss.  But then other days, I think about my baby all day long. Who would he/she look like? Would he/she be walking?  Would Winslow have a built in best friend?  This week leading up to the big first birthday has been strange.   Strange in that I feel like I should celebrate where I am now.  I have Winslow, my rambunctious 3 year old, and Hogan, my cuddly 7 month old.  But it still doesn't make it easier.   I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Hogan, but I still wonder if this little angel was a girl or a boy.  Would I have a curly headed girl running around?  Would I have a brown headed boy? 

Regardless, I am celebrating the little life that lived inside me for almost 9 weeks.  I am celebrating the miracle and celebrating the hard but good year we've had.  A friend, Casey, explained how I feel so wonderfully:


"When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together... you're different. 


You can love differently. Better. Because you know it's fragile. 
Life. It's a gift.  A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored."

 Because of this, I love my boys so different than before.  So although I long to be with my baby in heaven, I am thankful for constant reminder that life is so precious.  Today will always be your heavenly birthday and we will celebrate your life, even if it was short. I will always cherish the only sonogram photo I have of you and I promise to hold your brothers extra close.

Happy Birthday, my love.  Heaven is holding you tight until I get there. <3 br="">

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

So yesterday was a BIG day for us!  We closed on our house! Yay, we are so excited and I've already got my new kitchen cabinets, countertops, and floors picked out! Meeting with a design specialist to order the floors today, ordering the cabinets tomorrow, and then once those are installed, the countertops! Hashtag ONIT.

We are so happy to finally have a space that will be our own, have a yard, and a nice quiet cul de sac to play in!  We are not actually MOVING until October 17th or 18th, so that way we have time to do the renovations that we want to get done.  Well, for the most part.  

Anyway, yesterday was overall a good day but it was also a very strange day for me.  My due date with baby #2 was yesterday.  If you didn't know, I had a miscarriage earlier this year.  I shared my story here and if you want to read it, feel free.  I felt like I needed to share because so many women go through loss and never talk about it, therefore they don't have support.  I wanted to be able to talk openly about my feelings and thoughts so I could seek advice, help, and support from friends who have gone through this.

This whole month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Hopefully it will help you learn a little about how common miscarriage really is, how most of the time, you did nothing to cause it, and how you can cope and move forward after experiencing it.  

So, more than likely, I would still be pregnant today since I was 9 days overdue with Winslow, but now I have an angel looking over us in heaven.  I am thankful that I have another precious growing baby in me right now,( I was also 20 weeks pregnant yesterday!)  and that has definately helped to lessen the sting of the loss, but it still doesn't make me stop wishing for that little baby in heaven.  I would've loved nothing more than to meet him this week, but I know God's plans are greater than mine, and without that loss, I wouldn't have this little baby boy growing in my belly now.  

1 in 4 women have miscarriages, so it's not an uncommon thing.  It's great that we have this month to just bring attention to the fact that many women do experience it, and it's never easy, no matter the circumstance.  It not only affects you physically, but emotionally as well.  

So, I hope you'll just remember that if you've been through this, you're not alone.  You can seek support and help from me or some of your close friends. That is what got me through.  

why I will never ask when you're having a baby.

The question. It inevitably happens once you've been married a couple years...whoever it may be, friends, family strangers...they still ask.

"When are babies coming around?"  "Are you thinking about starting a family/ having another?" "Doesn't he/she needs a little sibling?"

I've been asked that many times since I've been married and its seems like once Winslow hit 1 year, a few random people have asked me when he's getting a sibling.

What seems like such an innocent question, can take some of us to a not so happy place.

My husband and I were extremely blessed that when we started thinking about having children, we got pregnant the first month we started trying.  It surprised us both, really, but we were so excited and probably a little naive to the whole "process".  (Raising a child etc).  I announced my pregnancy to the world around 8 weeks along and not once did I ever have any worrysome thoughts or apprehensions about the little life growing inside of me.  Which is great, I don't wish that any mother-to-be would have negative thoughts about the process of carrying a child, but now that I've been through loss, my mindset has changed...whether I like it or not.

So once Winslow started nearing his 1st birthday, we had "the talk" again.  I wanted my children close together ( a little less than or around 2 years apart because that's how my brothers and I were spaced) It just felt normal to me.  So we casually started trying for our second in July of 2014.

A couple months passed with no positive test, and all was fine.  We celebrated Winslow's first birthday and then swiftly moved to Florida for hubby's new job.  Life was busy, but good.

3 more months passed with no luck and I was starting to get a little antsy.  I wanted another child so bad and was feeling like it just wasn't working out.  I remember getting so sad each month when it wouldn't happen.  I think it's harder once you have a child when it doesn't happen, since you know what you're missing out on.  You have experienced the pure joy a child brings.  So those three months went by pretty slow and I was getting discouraged.  Christmas came and still, I wasn't pregnant.  By this time,  6 months had passed.  That's really not a long time when you think about those who experience long term infertility, but it still was hard for me.  I wasn't used to having to wait so long for something I wanted so bad.

W and I flew to Texas to visit family and while we were there, I took a pregnancy test.  Trying not to get my hopes up, I suddenly saw the plus sign!  I couldn't believe it, I was so happy, and told my husband immediately.  We were overjoyed.

Fast forward a month to around Valentine's Day...we were driving back from a family trip to NC and I started spotting.  After going to the doctor on February 17th, he confirmed my loss.  It was a horrible week.  The one thing I'd been waiting for for 8 months, was gone.

I remember being at Publix that week grocery shopping and an older woman came up to Winslow and starting talking to him.  "When are you going to be getting a little sister?" She asked.  It took everything in me not to fall on the floor and sob.    Yes, I understand she didn't mean anything by it, but she also had no idea what had happened just days before.

So all of that to say, I will never ask a women when she's planning on having kids, more kids, or why she doesn't have XYZ kids.  It's just something that I hope you can understand.  A simple sentence can bring someone to a place they'd rather not be.  Whether it be infertility, infant loss, or they just don't want children..it's a question that can just break you down.

I have friends who've been through miscarriage. I have friends who cannot have children on their own.  I have friends who get pregnant just by looking at their spouse.  I have friends who have lost more than one child.  It's hard no matter the struggle.

I don't say all of this to make you feel bad if you have asked those questions.  I have asked them too.  I just want you to know where I stand on the topic and why I won't ever be asking someone these questions.  Of course, if you're my close friends and we've talked on the subject before, that is different.  But just be aware that questions like these, although innocent to you, may not be for others.

Praise the Lord, our darkness has been turned to light and I am expecting again.  But it took another 4 months after my miscarriage to conceive again, making it 14 months of trying for baby #2.  This pregnancy has been completely different than my first.  I am way more hesitant, I worry more, I pray more, and I am showing more! ;)  But it puts me on my knees more, which is where I need to be.  I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to become pregnant again and I will never take for granted the miracle of life.

Hope this post didn't make you upset, but instead just helped you to understand a little bit more about my story.

Living in fear.

So it's been over 2 months since my miscarriage.  Some days it seems like yesterday that it happened, and some days it seems like 2 years ago.  I've been so lucky for the support shown to me through here, facebook, instagram, friends and family but it still doesn't take the sting completely away.

I am trying my hardest to not live in a state of constant fear. I have this ongoing mind game (or I really think I should call it the devil) telling me I'll never get pregnant again.  I'll never be able to experience the miracle of childbirth, or will never waddle around eating pickles and ice cream all day.  I'll never feel those little baby kicks in my stomach or hear the pitter patter of the little heartbeat.  I won't get to nurse a sleepy newborn. 

I know all of those things are more than likely not true, and that 1 in 5 women have miscarriages for various reasons.  But my mind sometimes just won't shut off.  Everything I do have those thoughts, I have to just pray.  Pray that the Lord takes those thoughts from my head and hears the desires of my heart.

I am cherishing every single day with my 20 month old toddler who loves wearing cowboy boots, climbs on the kitchen table daily, and blows kisses to strangers.  He really is the apple of my eye.  Every night before I go to bed, I sneak in his room, take a photo of him sleeping, and pray over him.  One day I plan on sharing some of the photos.  He is such a cute little sleeper (and still sleeps 12 hours at night!)

Mr Jones and I have always said we felt called to adopt 1-2 children into our family, so we will be looking into that in the future too, but I still long to carry another child in my belly.  I know it will happen more than likely, but you can't exactly explain the worry/grief/sadness/uncertainty that goes along with a miscarriage unless you've experienced it yourself, unfortunately.

I am just relying on the Lord to provide me with peace and understanding.  He is still good through this all.  

A dear friend sent me a book in the mail called "I Will Carry You" and it has been absolutely life-changing.  Angie Smith, the author, delivered her daughter and she only lived 2 hours. She has many life threatening issues.   Here is a small excerpt from her book:

"I believe that all babies who pass away are in heaven with the Lord.  I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room staring at her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is.  I am not.  I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void.  I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy.  What kind of Christian does that?

The answer is simple. One who is human.  We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have.  Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees.  And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small.  To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God.  To him Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it.  Daily I must remind myself that He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith  We are vessels of hope, you and I, made in the image of Jesus, breathing in the world as we yearn for him."

I have never heard such words so true.

I am hugging my little boy tighter than ever and thanking God that I have this precious gift of motherhood.  

Though You slay me

Can I just say THANK YOU so very much for every single text, phone call, facebook message, or comment on my blog that I have received from my post earlier.  It means so much to me and I have found great comfort in your stories and words. 

We are doing good.

It still hits me hard some days.  Randomly, it will hit me.  in the car.  at breakfast.  when i see someone pregnant in Target.  when I see a pregnancy announcement.  But you know what?  I'm okay.  I am clinging to the only solid truth I know. God is enough for me.  He is enough to lift me from this. 

I heard a song this week that has been on REPEAT for me.  It's made me sob.  It's made me praise.  It's made me smile.  Have you heard of the song-writers, Shane and Shane?  They are incredible. I saw them in concert a few times while I was in college at Texas A&M and this song just popped up on a friend's facebook wall.    John Piper did a collaboration with them on this song and spoke a little from one of his messages titled "Do Not Lose Heart".  Read these words.

They are so true in my life right now.

[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.


I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.


When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.


Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

EVERY millisecond of my pain is producing a glory.  Man, that's so comforting to know MY story will be glorified.

It doesn't necessarily take away my hurt, but it softens it.  

Please listen to this song.  I hope it speaks to you as it did me.  Even if you aren't going through the same as me, it's such a beautiful redemption song.

If you can't view it well below, click this link.  

Though You slay me 

I am going to share a part of an email that a dear friend wrote to me.  It made me cry, but it also comforted me in a way that I needed so badly.

"  one child will always live in your heart.  you will always see him, or her, at random times in random places.  you will always remember dates and feelings and memories.  You will always wish for them, but you will not always hurt.  you have a baby in Heaven, already with God, and you and Seth will be with that child, and Winslow and any others, for all of eternity.  do not let anyone or anything minimize your pain, your loss, and later, your joy in this child.  do not force yourself to do so either. "

this was so helpful to me.  I felt that my miscarriage was such an "invisible loss" that no one really could sympathize with me about.  No one knew or saw the baby, but it was still such a REAL loss for our family.  and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel like it was less than that.

Again, thank you for the sweet words and prayers. Having little W running around and climbing on the kitchen table also lessens the pain when I look and see that I have the most perfect little boy to call my own.  <3 br="" nbsp="">

gone.

it was pouring rain that day.  It hasn't rained since.  i walked into the doctors office not knowing that i would walk out completely different. I thought it was just a small "episode" and there was nothing to worry about.

"i am very concerned."  my doctor told me.

Winslow was in the stroller and "ba ba ba ba"-ing away.

He asked me if we saw the baby's heartbeat at the last appointment and I showed him the ultrasound and told him yes.  It was 160bpm.

"I am very sorry, but there is no heartbeat today, Kaitlin."

Words you never want to hear. ever.

The rain was pouring down..i could barely hear what he was saying.

The doctor held my hands while he told me I was miscarrying my child.

I have never felt so alone and mad and absolutely crushed.

Our baby was supposed to be here September 30th.  But now I am here and I am not pregnant anymore.  I can't tell you how many times I wished I was sick again.  I wish I was throwing up and having Winslow laugh at me.  I wish NOTHING sounded good to eat except sour straws and refried beans.  I wish the smell of Seth's deodorant still made me gag.  But no,  I am back to "normal" and the only thing that keeps reminding me of what happened is when I go to the bathroom.

I have days where I am fully trusting God that he is faithful. He is the same before and after this happened. He is my comfort and I find myself clinging desperately to his truths.  The gripping reminder that I have no control. Because I am weak, God carries me through this.

But then there are days I am plain mad.  Why me? Why did this happen?  I am mad that I am not pregnant.  We had been trying for 9 months to get pregnant.  Then it happened and we were overjoyed.  We told our families and was going to wait 2-3 more weeks to tell the public (facebook).

Now I'm telling everyone but not at all how I planned.   We have no baby.

I feel so weird going about my day like normal.  I feel like I have this heavy sign on my back that screams " I am miscarrying my child."  I know that's completely crazy to think, but it's true.  I feel like if someone were to ask me how my day is going I would completely flip out on them.

This is such a dark place, but I have hope.  Hope that my body would heal correctly, that my faith would be strengthened through this trial, and that one day, my rainbow would come.

I am clinging to the words that I know are truth.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways, declares the Lord.  For as the Heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts, than your thoughts.  -Isaiah 55:8-9

..Under his wings you will find refuge.  His faithfulness is a shield...  -Psalm 91:4

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.  -Psalm 147:3


Because right now, it's pretty gloomy here.

it hasn't rained since that day.  but I feel like it's raining in my heart all the time.

The Lord is good, even when we don't think so.  He will bless us through this trial. and one day, I will look back on this and rejoice.  Every single life deserves to be remembered, to be grieved, to be celebrated. and i also believe God cries with us.  He feels my pain and my grief.  He is there.

Why am I sharing this?  Because I know how dark and lonely this road can be.  I've found such wonderful comfort in my friends who have gone through this.  I want to be able to cry and talk with those who are going through it now.  I don't think it's talked about ever..but it needs to be .  God brings redemption through our stories.  And this is my space to share that.

 *This post has been sitting in draft mode for almost 2 weeks. I've felt "silly" to post it because of what others may think.  But you know what? This is my story and from it will come blessings.  I feel like I need to share.  That's all.