gone.

it was pouring rain that day.  It hasn't rained since.  i walked into the doctors office not knowing that i would walk out completely different. I thought it was just a small "episode" and there was nothing to worry about.

"i am very concerned."  my doctor told me.

Winslow was in the stroller and "ba ba ba ba"-ing away.

He asked me if we saw the baby's heartbeat at the last appointment and I showed him the ultrasound and told him yes.  It was 160bpm.

"I am very sorry, but there is no heartbeat today, Kaitlin."

Words you never want to hear. ever.

The rain was pouring down..i could barely hear what he was saying.

The doctor held my hands while he told me I was miscarrying my child.

I have never felt so alone and mad and absolutely crushed.

Our baby was supposed to be here September 30th.  But now I am here and I am not pregnant anymore.  I can't tell you how many times I wished I was sick again.  I wish I was throwing up and having Winslow laugh at me.  I wish NOTHING sounded good to eat except sour straws and refried beans.  I wish the smell of Seth's deodorant still made me gag.  But no,  I am back to "normal" and the only thing that keeps reminding me of what happened is when I go to the bathroom.

I have days where I am fully trusting God that he is faithful. He is the same before and after this happened. He is my comfort and I find myself clinging desperately to his truths.  The gripping reminder that I have no control. Because I am weak, God carries me through this.

But then there are days I am plain mad.  Why me? Why did this happen?  I am mad that I am not pregnant.  We had been trying for 9 months to get pregnant.  Then it happened and we were overjoyed.  We told our families and was going to wait 2-3 more weeks to tell the public (facebook).

Now I'm telling everyone but not at all how I planned.   We have no baby.

I feel so weird going about my day like normal.  I feel like I have this heavy sign on my back that screams " I am miscarrying my child."  I know that's completely crazy to think, but it's true.  I feel like if someone were to ask me how my day is going I would completely flip out on them.

This is such a dark place, but I have hope.  Hope that my body would heal correctly, that my faith would be strengthened through this trial, and that one day, my rainbow would come.

I am clinging to the words that I know are truth.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways, declares the Lord.  For as the Heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts, than your thoughts.  -Isaiah 55:8-9

..Under his wings you will find refuge.  His faithfulness is a shield...  -Psalm 91:4

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.  -Psalm 147:3


Because right now, it's pretty gloomy here.

it hasn't rained since that day.  but I feel like it's raining in my heart all the time.

The Lord is good, even when we don't think so.  He will bless us through this trial. and one day, I will look back on this and rejoice.  Every single life deserves to be remembered, to be grieved, to be celebrated. and i also believe God cries with us.  He feels my pain and my grief.  He is there.

Why am I sharing this?  Because I know how dark and lonely this road can be.  I've found such wonderful comfort in my friends who have gone through this.  I want to be able to cry and talk with those who are going through it now.  I don't think it's talked about ever..but it needs to be .  God brings redemption through our stories.  And this is my space to share that.

 *This post has been sitting in draft mode for almost 2 weeks. I've felt "silly" to post it because of what others may think.  But you know what? This is my story and from it will come blessings.  I feel like I need to share.  That's all.